Scream فریاد

Scream فریاد
Originally uploaded by Hamesha’s Afghanistan.

I feel suffocated.
This blog was to serve merely as an outlet, and I feel that it has graudatelly evolved into something less (or more) than merely an outlet.
This is NOT good.
I opened this under an alias, hoping to express whatever I want. Hoping to scream, if that is how I feel like. I tried to note it on the blog so that I do not forget and others do not expect otherwise: “occasional outlet for existential angst.”
But I feel inhibited now.
What am I to do now?
Open another blog, under another alias?
Until gradually there too I lapse into a routine, a set of expectations, a set of inhibitions, and then I will have to open yet another blog under yet another alias.
Why do we feel the need to hide? Why alias? Is it just me? Only I am ashamed of laying bare my inner self at its most rotten?
My friends, globalvoices readers, muddville gazette readers: sorry to disappoint. Sorry to be distasteful. Sorry to insult your kind presence here.
I need to scream…
But what about?
I don’t know. I cannot name it.
Or, what is more likely, after all of this, I am still not able to do it. I feel inhibited, suffocated.
That’s it. I am opening another blog, reserved for nothing but pure existential angst, and I am not going to write its address here.
You may safely expect another Afghanistan/current affairs/etc. etc. -related post here by next week.
Or maybe not.
I am graduating soon, my exams are over, and this blog, which comes to life only spasmodically and only when I have tons of schoolwork to do, will dwindle and die. We will see.


8 Responses to Scream فریاد

  1. Shaharzad says:

    همیشه عزیز،
    می خواستم به انگلیسی بنویسم، اما دیدم نمی شود. یادداشتت را خواندم، کم کم می فهمم چه حس میکنی. گاهی انسان حس می کند، بغض سالیان را در گلو دارد و به یک کوه بلند و دره عظیم نیاز دارد که بغضش را فریاد بزند، گریه کند.
    امیدوارم روزنه ها بزودی باز شوند.


  2. Q. A. Shah says:

    So what is stopping you from dealing with all aspects, political, personal, etc, on this one spot? Do you want the blogs to severe separate purposes? Are you wanting to separate those aspects of your identity or world? (I hope I’m not being too pushy here…i’m just mad you never answered the TAZ question)…but I’m kinda sad, cause I liked the blend, and I think it’s especially relevant in the diaspora situation, how politics affect existential issues. And I’d love to read your other blog, but fear that I may not get the address. I hope it works out, and I hope to find it.

    And congrats on graduating!

  3. One ought to write for oneself not for the benefit of others. That’s why I find most Afghan blogs tedious, filled with cliches and not worth the bandwidth they kill or the storage they occupy.

    My project was all along to be irreverant – to piss on the Afghan sensibility (it stinks, but as the joke goes mix the shit with the piss, smell it and be reminded of the hypocrisies and the humanity of our people), and utlimately rejoice.

    Anyway, you are being too sentimental. It will inhibit your thinking. These are your formative years, don’t stop asking questions, some of us have to be shameless for the sake of others.

    Also, it sounds a bit gay too.

  4. Shabana says:

    i think thats a good idea. i feel like doing that too.

  5. Vasco Pyjama says:

    I screamed… but others screamed back. I might have to move too. Too much hate mail. :(

    Well done on graduating.

  6. pumuckl says:

    why do you expect the blog world to be better than the other world?

    let’s try to judge a bit less and to accept our feeling, and after all, do whatever you like to do.

    you like to delete the blog? fine. you carry on? fine.

    on my blog you will find a link to reporters without border, they published a handbook for bloggers and cyber dissidents. you might find quite some lines in there inspiring for you.

    best regards from Herat,

  7. sume says:

    Sounds like you’re going through what many of us bloggers go through at some time or another. Idealistically, blogs should be for the writer and writers should write for themselves. Funny how those expectations sneak and before you know it, you’re self-censoring yourself. Society, even in the cyberworld, has a strong hold on us.

    On a side note, I find it kind of sad that sentimentality, especially for men is seen to be a bad thing.

    In the end, it’s your blog to do with as you please. I ended up opening a different blog on wordpress that serves a more specific purpose. It allows pass-protected entries for when I want to write about things not meant for general consumption. It’s not any more secure than anything else on the net, but it does give me a greater sense of freedom.

    Good luck with whatever you decide, Hamesha.

  8. Greyhawk says:

    I’m confused, you opened this blog under an alias but you have a picture of yourself? You unhappy because sites have linked you, yet you have and RSS feed, a Link to Safrang: in your side bar, and a site counter . You say you feel inhibited now. Why because people are reading and linking your blog. No ones stopping or limiting you from screaming, that’s partly why you’re being read and linked. You’re not being used for any agenda. We expect nothing from you just an opinion like everyone else that blogs. We believe in freedom of speech with no limits. Besides you’re under an alias, Right? So your ability to scream away should not be inhibited in any way. It seems you are the only one setting limits.

    You have options to have your blog closed to the general public with registration.

    Or how about in your heading…:
    Safrang: (Old Persian) commentary, analysis. // Welcome to Safrang, a personal weblog with news and analysis about everything under the sun, and the occasional existential musings of a hermit from Afghanistan currently studying in the US.// Please do not bother telling me to limit myself to Afghanistan: Safrang is a Temporary Autonomous Zone

    …you add For my reading pleasure only, please no linky.

    A shame because you’re a talented writer.

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